The Labyrinthe: a movie parody
by FeralRaziel
Summary: Deidara is trying out for a play and Tobi isn't helping. When Dei wishes Tobi to be taken by the goblins, he must, regretfully, solve a giant labyrinthe to get him back! based on the movie! plz r&r. weee
1. Start of Deidara's Dillema

sooo the Feral doesn't own Naruto characters or...criminal organizations. Or the rights to The Labyrinthe! Hope you enjoy! if this is any motivation: the goblin king was played by David Bowie XD and it was a wonderful movie adaptation w/ many a whimsical characters. Lets see how much I can mess it up.

CH 1 fools!

Somewhere out in the forest ominous clouds were gathering. Deidara of Akatsui was preaching to one of his clay owls. He was rehearsing for a play called 'The Labyrinthe' being preformed by local shinobi. It was about a goblin king and a brave heroine...or hero as the case may be.

He had been reciting the lines when he suddenly shouted, "Line"  
The owl looked at him. "You have no power over me." His left hand reminded. "Why can I never remember that, un?" Deidara exclaimed tossing his arms in the air. The owl detonated, blowing the pillar it was on to rubble.

"Holy crap, un. Its seven already?!" Dei commenced running back to the hideout. The clouds emptied themselves on the blonde ninja. When he arrived atthe doorstep Pein was out front, tapping his foot.

"Heyyy Leader-sama, how's it"

"You're an hour late, Deidara"

"I know, sir, but you see-" Pein pointed at the door. "Get inside, you look like a drowned cat." he said. Deidara slinked into the hideout and the Leader shuffled in behind him. The as of yet nameless Akatsuki memeber was turned away, rummaging in her purse. Itachi was pouting nearby.

"Now Deidara, you know we had to take Itachi to get glasses and this could be an all night oredeal." said the unknown member from the depths of her purse. Itachi made some kind of noise code for angst. "Yeah yeah." Dei said waving a hand.

"Deidara don't kill your partner while we're gone." Pein said grabbing the keys. "We can't afford to look for a new memeber right now." he started out the front door. Dei looked after them. "Watch after Tobi, now." the blue haired woman said and then they were gone.

Deidara sighed in exasperation. He walked into the living space. Tobi looked up and hurriedly stuffed some sort of something in the door jamb. "Hey Deidara-senpai, how's it going?" he asked. Dei shot him a poisonous glance before flopping onto the couch.

"Great, un, now that I'll never get a part in the play down at the theater. I'm too busy not killing you to practice, un." Tobi bounced up across from his partner in crime. "I'll help you practice Deidara-senpai! It'll be fun come on!" he said clasping his hands under his masked face, which no doubt contained glee.

Deidara looked at Tobi's orange mask for a long time before tossing him the script.  
"w00t!" Tobi exclaimed, flipping the pages. He turned to the page Dei instructed. However, when he started reading Tobi giggled. "I'm sorry senpai, go on." Tobi said, waving a gloved hand. Deidara started again. Tobi giggled again. "TOBI!" yelled Dei desperately. "I'm-I'm sorry Deidara-san I just, I just..." Tobi could no longer control himself and fell in to a hapless, unabating giggle fit. (ever had one o' those? yeah)

"You're the most useless thing ever, un!" Deidara shouted. He picked up his script again just to throw it at Tobi's head. It bounced off the n00b's skull and he continued giggling. As Dei stormed out of the room he conjured up a line from the play. "I wish the goblins would come tacke you away right NOW, un!" Tobi continued his relelntless gales of laughter until Deidara turned the corner.

At this point the hideout became dead quiet. A shiver went down Dei's spine. It had never been this quiet around him his entire life. He jumped when thunder rolled outside. "T-Tobi?" Deidara called. No answer.

He crept back to the living space and found it empty. There were demonic little chuckles coming from the shadowy corners of the room. "Tobi?" Deidara asked again.

This time the reply was a gust of wind from behind. Dei turned to see Orochimaru. Jashin knows what he was wearing. A vinyl jacket, tight pants, and a button up shirt accessorized w/ a high collared cape, all black of course. Dei was going to call him a flamer, but then wondered if he could pull that off himself.

"Man, you guys still keep the key under the doormat?" The Giant Snake said.

"What are you doing here, un?" Deidara asked, not knowing what to think. "Why I'm the Goblin King, of course, and I've obsconded your Tobitobi, like you asked." Orochimaru said with one of those all-knowing hand gestures. There was a long pause in which Deidara tried to recall if he was using any illegal drugs and Orochimaru inspected his now long and pointed nails.

"You're kidding me, right?" Dei said finally. "Nope and in thanks I'll give you this spiffy thing." A perfect crystal sphere appeared in his palm. "Oooo." Deidara awed. He reached for it, but stopped. "But what if Tobi isn't an Uchiha like we think? Then what would you do with him?" he asked.

Orochimaru waved a hand. "I'd just brainwash him to assassinate somebody or something." (but why male models? XD zoolander reference)

Deidara was sure the relief of not having to deal with Tobi showed on his face. He then remembered that Leader-sama would have a fit. Not only would he be in big troubel...he might be 'kicked out'. Meaning Itachi would take you out back and have a friendly conversation with the Mangekyo and Zetsu would be sent in to eat you while under the terrifying genjutsu.

"No way un. I need the twerp back." Orochimaru frowned a bit. The crystal turned into a snake and he tossed it at Deidara. On impact it changed into...well actually it stayed the same because Orochimaru's an a--hole like that.

As Dei stomped on the snake Orochi took his shoulder and turned him towards the now open door. "Tobi is there," he pointed. "in my castle." Sure enough, instead of the rain outside, there was a castle off in the distance in the center of a huge gynormous labyrinthe. Deidara turned back to the snake sannin turned Goblin King to accuse him of being on acid, but the hideout behind him was gone.

A clock had appeared and was a 12. "You want Tobi? You got 13 hourse to get him." Oro said. "Pffft, I can do that, un." Deidara scoffed, but Orochimaru faded away with an ominous evil cackle. When he was sure he had gone, Deidara screamed in frustration and stomped his foot.

Next chapter: Deidara begins the labyrinthe and Tobi is annoying otonin!


	2. Glimpse of the Madness Yet to Come

I own nothing! In this chapter: deaths by emo and a lovely musical intermission.

Chaptah 2!

After throwing a temper-tantrum Deidara resolved to try and start. At the wall of the labyrinthe he found a teenaged boy shuffling back and forth. Upon closer inspection he was shuffling after little faeries that fell out of the air when he got close.

Dei picked on up. The faerie spit at him. "Hey." he said, but the mouth in in the hand he was holding it ATE the faerie. "Ah! OMG un! Bad hand, bad"

However, this traumatizing ordeal reminded Dei to check his pockets for clay. He had some, by some miracle and made a giant owl. He laughed triumphantly, thinking he had outsmarted this maze with his art.

But the owl fell back to the earth, unable to fly above the walls.

"Kuso!" Dei cursed as he dismissed the owl. The shuffling kid laughed at him. "What are you doing, anyways un?" Dei snapped.

"I'm killing faeries with my emoness what's it to you?" the kid said back.  
"Holy crap! You're Itachi's little brother aren't you, un?" Deidara exclaimed noticing the bangs and the Uchiha clan symbol on his ragged garments.

"Yeah I'm Sasuke, so shut up." he said. "Well, where is the door to this thing, un?" Dei asked.  
"Its right there, you idiot." Sasuke pointed. And indeed there was a door there that Deidara hadn't seen. "Oh...Well hey thanks Parely!" Dei said walking in. "Its Sasuke!" shouted the Uchiha. "Whatever un!"

The door closed behind him. It seemed the walls stretched endlessly left and right. "Well I think I'll go right seeing as how my left hand ATE A FAERIE un!" Deidara said to himself. "LoL." His right hand said of the matter.

So he head right...and right, and right and right. Anxiety kicked in and he started jogging, his still damp robe fluttering behind him. He jogged for what seemed like forever before throwing himself to the ground in frustration.

"This isn't fair! What kind of labyrinthe has no turns, un?!" he pouted.

"There are many hidden paths, just as there are in the ant hill." Said a voice. Deidara turned his head to see a beetle the size of his thumb on the wall. "Did you say something, un?" Deidara asked. "No. I stated an insect related, metaphorical answer to your problems but-"

"Ah talking bug!!!" Dei exclaimed and blew up the wall. Thusly the labyrinthe version of Shino was no more. But the way was clear and that made it ok.

Meanwhile, in the castle, Tobi was blathering away about how bored he was to some Sound 5-esque goblins. He was going on and on. The Kimmimaro gablin was poised with his bone knife at his chest, eye twitching. Jiibou was near tears.

"This one time I was so bored, I was soooo bored, I was so so so so bored that I went through Sasori's entire puppet collection and catelouged them in alphabeticalorderaccordingtosizeandkakuzugavemeaquartertohelphimputthemonebayandI-"

"Hey Tobi, you remind me of a babe." Orochimaru interjected.  
"What babe?" he responded.  
"The babe with the power"  
"Power of what"  
"The power of voodoo"  
"Who do"  
"You do"  
"Do what"  
"Remind me of a babe"

Orochimaru then launched into song. No s--t, full fledged song. Or course, being the top dogs of the Sound Village, they had every right to burst into song. This they did, entertaining Tobi so he'd be quiet.

Next Chapter! The labyrinthe is messing with Deidara's mind! can he solve a paradoxical riddle to continue?  
-Teh Feral


	3. Because of Morning Glories

I own nothing! This chapter Deidara uses his brain!? Ohmyjashin!

Ch 3 fools!

Deidara had given up all hope of blowing anything else up. The walls had become more sturdy. They only charred and Dei didn't have a lot of clay left. He decided to save it in case another talking something or other showed up.

He had been meandering around for a long time. A clay spider was running thread behind him. Dei came to a dead end. "Well hell on a stick, un." he said.

He turned to his spider, only to see that there was a brick lifted out of the ground and the thread was being sucked into it. "You ate my spider un!" Deidara yelled at whatever was down there.

It giggled voraciously as the last of the thread disappeared and the brick was replaced. There was a muffled explosion. The brick shifted. "Serves you right, un!" Dei said and stomped on the brick angrily before turning back around.

There was Zetsu. Just Zetsu. Just standing in front of two doors. Deidara stared, bewildered. "_Yo_." Said the plant man.

"This was just a dead end, un."

"_No that's the dead end behind you_." Zetsu said and pointed with his left arm, the white one. Dei turned, and the way he had come was now a wall. A look of desperate exasperation came over the blonde.

"No fair! No fair, no fair, no fair! It keeps changing, un! ...The labyrinth is cheating!" Deidara stomped his foot and turned back to Zetsu, as if pleading him to see he was right.

"_Well you could try one of these doors. One leads to the castle_..." Zetsu said, seemingly from the left, white side of himself.

"**And the other leads to-dun dun dunn! Certain death**!" said the right, black side of him.

"...Well...which one is which?" Dei asked

"**Sorry can't tell you**." The black side said.

"Oh come ooooonnnnn! We're friends, we're buddies, amigos, pals right Zetsu? Just tell me please, un"

"_Nope. You have ta ask. One of me tells always tells the truth and one of me always lies._..(at this point he whipsered)_ its him_." the left arm pointed the the right side of himself.

"**It is not**"

"_He only says that because he's lying_." Then Zetsu fell silent, looking at Deidara with his blank yellow eyes.

"Fine, then ...black side of Zetsu, would the white side of Zetsu tell me that this door leads to the castle?" Deidara smirked, thinking himself sly.

"**Er...Yes**?" Said the black side.

"Hah! Then the other door leads to the castle and this one leads to certain death, un. He could be telling the truth, but then you wouldn't be. So if you said he said yes, the answer is no, un. And if he were lying the answer would still be no"

Zetsu stood aside. Laughing triumphantly, Deidara opened the door he thought led to the castle. Taking a step, he abruptly dropped into a pit.

Zetsu shouted after him, "_That was for my morning glories that you destroyed last week_!"

Dei screamed, but was caught up by hands and lots of them. They seemed to be coming out of the walls of the seemingly unending pit. They had hold of his legs and his arms. They were tugging at his robe and his hair.

"OMG WTF" Deidara exclaimed.

A number of the hands formed a makeshift face. "We're helping you, you blonde git. We're helping hands!" Said the mouth of the face.

"Well then get me the hell out of here." Dei huffed shortly.

"Up or Down?" Said another makeshift face.

"Up duh, what do you think I'm stupid, un?" he blurted. His right hand, however, decided once again to be the delinquent.

"We should go down." it said.

"A fellow hand has spoken!" said yet another makeshift face of hands.

And they dropped Deidara on his ass onto a hard concrete floor, closing a grate above him.

-

Elswere Orochimaru was gazing at the crystal sphere. "Hmm, Deidei's in the oubliette." he said.

"w00t!" the Kabuto goblin said. Orochimaru backhanded the thing.

"Quiet you fools! He should've given up by now!" Oro paused, nodding his head. "But he'll give upwhen he realizes he has to start over again. Send in the emo kid to get him." He snapped his fingers and the goblins started scrambling around trying to look like they were doing something.

Next chapter: The beginnings of a beautiful, one sided friendship.


End file.
